How to Answer that Damn Question
If you read my inaugural blog, then you know that “that damn question” is “Do you have kids?” Here, I want to tackle how to answer that damn question.
For a long time, I would say, “No, I don’t have any,” and wait for the response with dread. The dreaded responses include “Well, you will one day” or “Oh, it just hasn’t happened for you yet.” The worst was when there was a long pause while the asker took time to process how a woman could not have children and try to figure out what to say that wouldn’t be awkward (and usually failed at coming up with that non-awkward something).
One day, frustrated from one of these experiences, I actually googled, “What do I say if someone asks if I have kids?”. One website provided 50 possible responses! My favourites include:
I’m really fond of sleeping in, drinking wine without reservation, and watching sexy films.
I curse like a sailor. (#truth)
I’m really worried about the environment and diapers just don’t seem all that green.
I feel fulfilled in every aspect of my life.
I’m an independent person. I love kids, but love myself more than possibility.
Interesting question. I just don’t.
Now that I’m older and care little about what others think about my life choices, I own the decision not to have children. I make sure that the asker is not left with any doubt that I am happy with my decision not to have a child—not to be a mom. I respond, “No, none for me—I’m child-free.”
Where the conversation goes from there is the hands of the asker. Hopefully, I will not be asked the inappropriate follow-up question of why I don’t have children. Even if I know the asker well, the question is very personal. It certainly shouldn’t be asked in the business or work setting. Before starting CFW2, if I were asked why I chose not to have kids, my response would typically be one cloaked in humour or delivered with an edge of “none of your business.”
The purpose of CFW2, however, is to bring the child-free perspective to the forefront. So, I’m going to try much harder to look at the question of why I don’t have children as an opportunity to educate. This might not be the choice of response for everyone – and if you want to snap back with a biting remark, go ahead (although, and I do hate to say this, be mindful of the ramifications it could have if asked in a work setting, more on this below). My hope, however, is that providing my reasons for my decision will help to make a woman who does not want children “normal.”
My decision came down to enjoying the lifestyle that being child-free has afforded me. I also derive a lot of satisfaction from the success that I have earned in my career. Whether we like to say it or not, anecdotal evidence suggests that parenthood tends to slow down a woman’s career progress.
At the end of the day, how you answer these questions is your decision (just like whether or not to have kids). However, if being asked this question in a work setting or at a networking or business development event, I would recommend against attacking the asker for inquiring about why you have decided not to have children. While completely inappropriate, you don’t want to damage your professional reputation or career/business development prospects. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t voice your opinion that the question is inappropriate.
If an in-person admonition isn’t comfortable for you, send an email or a direct message the next day, letting the asker know that you didn’t appreciate the question or feel it was an appropriate one for a professional setting. If you’re not comfortable with that, you could mention it to a mutual connection, and they may pass along the message.
If it is someone you work with and you don’t want to confront them about it, take it to human resources or your mentor, and they can speak to your colleague. Your comfort with doing this will also likely depend on where you are in your career. Those just starting out might not want to confront the asker, especially if they have any input in your ability to progress at your workplace.
The answer to that damn question, like having children, is a personal choice. There is no right or wrong way to respond to that damn question – the only response that matters is the one that you are comfortable with.
Alysia Christiaen
Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.
