That Damn Question

Do you have kids? This question evokes considerable anxiety for me despite its innocuousness. Having started my legal career as a litigator who argued motions and appeals in front of a judge or a panel of them, I’m not afraid of tough questions. Except for that damn question.

Most people would not consider “Do you have kids?” a tough question because they have them, want them, or are not a woman of an age who “should” have them and does not.

I am a child-free woman in the workforce and damn proud, and even more damn happy, with my decision not to have kids. Despite my confidence in my decision to not have children being the right one for me, being asked, “Do you have kids?” immediately makes me feel uncomfortable.

I get asked about having kids quite often. I’m active in my community, and my career requires me to build a book of business, so I meet a lot of new people. “Do you have kids?” is often asked in an effort to break the ice, move along the conversation, get to know someone, and find a commonality with them. It can be a launch pad for a conversation about similar experiences you have had with children.

For reasons I do not understand but are likely related to the societal expectation that all women want children (or worse, that all women should have them) when I respond that I’m child-free to that damn question, I worry that I will be judged and judged as “selfish,” as “career-focused,” as “less than,” for not having kids.

I have no doubt that the asker of that damn question has no idea that this is the internal response their question elicits in me. But it does. I will not even try to imagine the internal response that is elicited by a woman who did not choose to be child-free.

My suggestion is this: the next time you are at an event networking or meeting someone new, instead of asking that damn question, say, “Tell me about your family.”

We all have a family. It may look different for each of us, but having a family is something that every single one of us has in common. I might talk about my firecracker 94-year-old grandmother. You might talk about your friends. Someone else could talk about their spouse. And someone else will talk about their kids. The question is going to start conversations, and the internal response elicited will likely be one of enjoyment and the thought, “What a great question!”

Child-free women in the workforce have enough extra stuff we have to deal with – more about that in later posts. Reframing that damn question would take a stressor off of that damn list of extras.

Alysia Christiaen

Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.